Today I began the heart wrenching process of packing. I’ve dreaded having to sort through my things – Things that I lovingly gathered over the past three years of my life. I took pictures of all that I needed to sell and made piles of the things I was giving away. With each item I set aside, I felt like I was tearing up a piece of my heart! I know that this is all just stuff. But this is MY stuff. Stuff that I thoughtfully put together to use in MY home! Never did I think that life in Blowing Rock would be so short lived.

I know that as I head out of America, I’m heading home. But it doesn’t seem like that. America, Boone and Blowing Rock seem more like home that India and Hyderabad. I feel bad saying that but I just fell in love with what I hoped was home. I truly hoped with all of my heart that with my employment at Samaritan’s Purse, my uncertainty would finally come to an end, my wait would finally cease and I could finally settle down without having to wonder where my life was headed. Never did I expect to get back to what seems like square one!

This isn’t the first time that I’m uprooting my life. I did it once before in 2013 when I left India for America. But as I packed my life into two suitcases and a carry-on, I knew where I was headed. Even though it was heartbreaking to leave my parents, sister, brother-in-law and darling niece and nephews, my heart was full of hope – not the “hope” we use as a synonym for may be but hope that is definite! When I said goodbye to my very comfortable life in India and got on to a plane to enter in to this whole new world called America, I knew without a shadow of doubt that I was in the center of God’s will. Even though I was entering a land where I would always be an alien, a foreigner, someone who would have to jump through bazillion different hoops simply to do things the legal way, I still knew that I was EXACTLY where God wanted me. I KNEW that my move was an act of obedience.

However today, as I once again uproot my life, I’m hopeful. But this time, it’s the kind of “hope” that we use as a synonym for may be, perhaps. I want to be filled with the hope that is definite but I’m just not. May be when I actually leave, it’ll begin to make sense. Right now, I simply don’t get it!

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m very excited about seeing my family and being home after a very long time. I’m thrilled that I’m going to be able to hang out with my teenage niece and dote over my extremely “macho” nephews who are as macho as a 10yr old and an 8yr old can be. I’m going to be able to chill with my mother and sister and not worry about exhausting my vacation. I’ll get to drive my scooter on the streets of Hyderabad, and I’ll get to eat mango that is extremely sweet. I’ll get to eat street food and bargain against fixed prices. Living in India comes with its perks.

But I’m freaked out! The thought of restarting my life all over again is scary! People ask me – “What are your plans for when you get to India?” And my answer – I have no idea! I don’t even have the “p” in “plan.” Even though I’m heading for India in less than a month, I still don’t feel like I’m being called there. My fear is that God is in fact calling me back but I’ve just become deaf to His voice. I mean, what kind of a daughter fails to hear her own Father’s voice? What exactly am I missing? This time as I uproot my life, I don’t know if I’m in the center of God’s will. I don’t know if I am exactly where the Lord wants me. I don’t know if I’m moving in an act of obedience. I don’t know ANYTHING! I can’t see ANYTHING! I’ve NEVER been so clueless in my life! I know that God knows exactly what He’s doing… I just wish I got a glimpse of it. I just wish I could see!

As I walk through this newfound darkness, I am reminded of the time my nephew Anand was a toddler. He was a feisty little independent tiny person. When we went outside, he’d refuse to hold my hand. I had to forcefully hold on to him but he would somehow wriggle out and keep walking ahead all on his own. The only time I felt his little hand clutch my finger, as if he were holding on for dear life, was when we were walking in darkness and he wanted to stay as close to me as possible. He just didn’t want to let go.

So today, I choose to become a toddler and hold on to my Father’s hand for dear life. Even though I feel blind and completely clueless, I will trust in the one Who created my inmost being and knew me from my mother’s womb. Even though I cannot see ANYTHING, I am choosing to trust in the Lord with all of my heart. I am choosing to lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways I’m choosing to trust Him and because of this, I am choosing to believe that He will make my path straight!

Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.

~ Micah 7:8b

In closing I have to say – I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord!