When I was about 12yrs old, I fell seriously ill, the recovery from which left me on the onset of Alopecia. Fast forward more than 20yrs later to when my Alopecia simply went from bad to worse and my hair became super thin. If I stood under the light, you’d see my scalp shining brightly. Very unflattering. In 2015 I gave up all hope of ever recovering from it and ended up shaving my head and wearing a wig. Even though I tried to kill any remnant desire for hair, I still silently hoped that after shaving my head, new hair follicles would grow back and I’d have hair like any other normal person. But 2yrs after I shaved my head, I see no progress. My head just seems worse. Every doctor I visited has told me that my hair will never grow back and that this is a condition I have to live with.

Suffice to say, that makes me very sad. I’ve prayed for years and years and years, trusting with all my heart that Jesus is Who He says He is – My healer. But I haven’t seen that healing. I’ve somehow resigned myself to living with a wig and for the most part I’m okay with not being able to grow any hair. It definitely makes me sad, but I’m okay.

Last month there was a special service in my church where the preacher prayed specifically for healing. That day, I saw people with arthritis walk again, people with back pain bending over, deaf ears being opened and squint eyes being set straight. I was very very happy for all those people who received healing. But I was very very sad that my healing didn’t come. I’ll be honest. I was very upset with the Lord. I went home that day and simply stared in the mirror at my scanty scalp and all I could do was cry. I thought I had no more tears to shed over this issue but I guess I was wrong.

The next day evening I went for another service and the preacher once again prayed for healing. He said we need to wait with expectant hearts and that sickness doesn’t glorify God. He wants to heal us. After he prayed, he asked the congregation to check their body to see if what wasn’t working before, was working now. I ran to the washroom, nervously hopeful that this God who had healed several hundreds of people before my very eyes, would miraculously heal me too. I took my wig off and looked in the mirror and NOTHING! My expectant heart shattered. I sobbed for a little bit, picked up my broken pieces and went back to the service.

For the most part I’ve come to terms with the fact that God is able to heal everyone but chooses not to heal some. However, when I’m part of the some that He does not heal, it hurts. I don’t understand. What am I missing? If the Lord is Who He says He is, and He says He is the One that heals me, then why doesn’t the healing come?

Unfortunately, no matter how many times I ask that question, I don’t seem to find the answer. I wish I did but I don’t. However, here is what I do know –

• I know that my situation doesn’t determine God’s faithfulness.
• I know that God doesn’t lie. Just because I do not see healing, doesn’t mean He isn’t a healer.
• I know that if the Lord is allowing me to endure a certain illness, it is for a greater purpose. I may never know what that purpose is but I know my Jesus. He doesn’t seek pleasure in my sickness. However, when I prayed that He use me in whatever manner He chooses, I believe He took my prayer seriously. When I get to heaven, I’m positive that He will show me all those people who were led to look to Jesus because I endured through Alopecia.
• I know that a bald head will NEVER discount the fact that I was knit in my mother’s womb, that God knows my inmost being and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, in His image!
• I know that for God, far above the healing of my auto-immune disease, is the healing of my depraved heart. And I can tell you without a shadow of doubt, that the day I asked Jesus to be the Lord of my life, easily about 25yrs ago, He healed my heart and changed my life forever.
• I know that I am precious to Jesus. I am honored and loved and He dances over me with singing.
• I know that even though Alopecia makes me sad and frustrated, Jesus makes me happy and joyous and fills my heart with a peace that passes all understanding.
• I know that every time I feel ugly, yes I do feel that sometimes, Jesus very graciously brings to mind all the people who love me despite my Alopecia and reminds me that what makes me beautiful isn’t what’s on my skin, but what’s in my heart.

I was trying to research if the Bible records anyone who Jesus did not heal. I found no one. Everyone who came to Jesus was healed. Even those who didn’t ask for it. But what encourages me is this – Jesus didn’t shy away from suffering. He definitely healed multitudes but He didn’t spare Himself from being ripped to shreds for my sake. His pain had a greater purpose. Next to the sacrifice that Jesus made for me, Alopecia is NOTHING!

If today you are struggling with Who God says He is – Provider, Healer, Restorer, Protector, Transformer – May I encourage you? Just because you don’t see the manifestation of Who Jesus says He is, doesn’t mean that He is not it. Jesus suffered for a higher purpose. Perhaps that’s the same case with you.

So in the words of Kutless (slightly modified for emphasis), I would like to encourage you:

Even if the healing doesn’t come and life falls apart, and dreams are still undone, He is God. He is good. He is the forever Faithful One.

In closing I have to say – I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord!