Month: February 2020

I do… Till Death Do Us Part

For the past few weeks, marriage has been on my mind. This is mostly because so many of my friends are stuck in rocky marriages. Some of them barely made a year and looking to call it quits, and others, after over a decade of being together decided that it was more sane for them to walk away from each other. And some others, want to stick to their vows even when they’re the only ones in the marriage who want to honor the “Till death do us part.” As much as I want to be there for my friends, and I am, albeit with my zero knowledge and understanding of marriage, it does make me sad to see my friends sad. Marriage, in my opinion, binds you so tightly to each other, to make you one with another, that ripping it apart can only leave you torn to pieces.

I was talking to one of my colleagues the other day about this and she said to me, “Wow Rachel, this must leave you with a bad taste about marriage. But I’m sure you have examples of good marriages around you as well.” This got me thinking. Do I have good examples around me? What did marriage entail anyway? So I decided to unpack the wedding vows and see them for what they mean, not in just words, but in deeds.

“I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife…” 

My parents were far from perfect. Some days they fought like cats and dogs and it would leave me wondering what the point of them being together was if they couldn’t have a decent conversation with each other. The very next day I would watch my mom brew coffee for my dad because that’s how he likes it. She may be upset with him but he wasn’t going to be subjected to instant coffee. Not on her watch. And my dad? Ha! The man couldn’t spend an evening without my mom. If she stepped out for a meeting or a prayer, he would eat my head about when she was going to be home. As soon as she came home, he did his own thing, and she did hers. And just like that I knew the war between them was over. Did they fix their issues? Who knows! Did they talk it out? No idea! All I know is, they chose to drop the subject and carry on with life. Apparently dwelling in peace was more important than holding on to conflict.
“To have and to hold.”

My parents made more than their share of mistakes. When my dad was away in Guntur to work at a factory, my mother was left in Hyderabad to raise two young girls by herself. One of the young girls, who shall remain unnamed, was definitely a handful. My dad’s decision to do his business elsewhere cost our family togetherness, albeit for a short season. And through it all my mother encouraged him to pursue all that he wanted to. Even if she found it difficult.
“For better, for worse” 

You know our family. We are middle class just like almost every other person. Although, for several years we survived on a rickety old ambassador car that would only function if you were able to jump into it and get it started whilst pushing it up and down the slope of our basement. I’m not saying we were poor. I am saying that we weren’t rich. Even through bad financial decisions, my parents stuck together. They may not have spoken to each other from time to time, they may have even pointed fingers at each other. But they never left each other’s side. Not once.
“For richer, for poorer.”

In 2004, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Where was my dad? Right next to her. He waited outside the operation theatre when she was in surgery, and slept alone in the patient room when she was in the ICU. He sold property and made less than profitable deals to ensure all her medical expenses were taken care of. My mother survived. Now it was his turn. His journey of sickness began in 2006 when he had a paralytic stroke. Since then his health faced several challenges. Bypass surgery. Abscess. Chronic kidney disease. Renal failure. Dialysis. Sepsis. More dialysis. Where was my mom through all of this? Right next to my dad. Getting her out of the waiting room to go home and get some rest was a herculean task. His stubbornness and often times callous attitude toward his health drove her to the point of insanity several times. But did she budge? Ha!
“In sickness and in health”

The year 2019 put our entire family to the test. Especially my parents. My dad developed sepsis this year which caused his initial method of dialysis – hemodialysis – to fail, rendering the need to switch to peritoneal dialysis. This form of dialysis required that the patient have dialysis administered to him at home, four times a day in four hour intervals. Our entire family thought that this was going to be very hard on my mom who was his caregiver, that she would have a burnout, and that she wouldn’t be able to handle it. She shouldn’t have to handle it. Guess what? My mother wouldn’t let anyone else near my dad with a 100ft pole. If there was anyone who would care for him, it was going to be her. The only other person she trusted to administer dialysis for him, was me. She put her entire life on a standstill to care for his every need. Let me tell you this – It is easy to love someone when they are at their absolute best. But when they are sick, needy, entirely dependent on you for everything from getting off the bed, to using the wash room, to putting on clothes, love has to go from an emotion to an intentional commitment. A covenant. Like my mom’s. And she honored that commitment until the very end.
“To love and to cherish, till death do us part.”

On December 30, 2019, my parents would’ve celebrated 44yrs of togetherness. Just eight days after my dad passed away.

I know that when we say “I do” we look forward to a “Happily ever after.” We are so excited about the “To have and to hold, from this day forward” and so pumped about the “Thereto, I pledge thee my devotion,” that it is easy to forget that between those two truths, lie a series of other truths – The good. The bad. The wealth. The poverty. The sickness. The ill-health. How can we want a “happily ever after” without being faithful to all that is in-between?

I know I am no expert on this subject and perhaps that stands against my credibility as a writer. But God’s Word remains true no matter who the speaker is:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
~ 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

I am certain that marriage is tough. Spending every single day of your life making your spouse the priority instead of yourself, surely can’t be easy. But don’t tell me it can’t be done. I have proof that it can. I have proof that the joy of companionship and oneness far outweighs the sacrifice.

In closing I must say – I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord!

On By Rachel ChadalavadaIn Chaos, Future, Life1 Comment

Must We Lose a Life?

On By Rachel ChadalavadaIn Life2 Comments

Death changes us. Sometimes it changes us more than life ever will. Losing my father was the most gut-wrenching thing I have ever experienced. How can a person be missed so much, is beyond me. It’s not like I’ve never been without my dad. I lived overseas for three years and in that time I saw my dad twice. It’s not like I spoke to him everyday. I may have spoken to him for a few minutes once a week. We were close and yet we weren’t. We were apart and yet so close. I think it’s the finality of death that makes this separation so hard.

The irony of life isn’t it? They say you don’t truly value something until you don’t have it any more. But the truth is, when you lose something, or in this case, someone you value with all your heart, the loss is unimaginable. And I wish no one has to go through it. Ever. Death makes the need for salvation that much more evident. God knew that death would destroy us – Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. After my dad died, I couldn’t read my Bible or pray for almost a month. But in the stillness of the night, as I wiped my tears away, I knew I wasn’t alone. I’m never alone. Especially when I’ve been the saddest, and most devastated, I’ve felt the loving arms of my Father, who would hold me as I sobbed my grief. No words were spoken, no advise was rendered. In the stillness, in the quietness, among the sniffling sobs, God was being God, and I was His grieving child, and I experienced the truth of His Word that assures me – The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).

Often times when my sister and I talk about my dad, she says to me, “How did we get so mad with him re?” Let me give you some context to that statement – My dad was a wonderful man, but he was an incredibly stubborn man. If he made up his mind about something, heaven help you if you try to change it. He was a poster boy for patient in the hospital, but when he came home, discharged, and had to stick to a new schedule and follow dietary restrictions, let me tell you, you’d think the terrible-twos were angels. He drove us up the wall! But now that he isn’t here anymore to send me down the path of insanity, that side of him never comes to mind. All I can think of, are the wonderful moments I spent with him. Whether it was going for a late night drive to get ice-cream, or it was a heart-to-heart on choosing the right life partner, one that I would choose, the memories I hold dear have nothing to do with things that annoyed me about him – because those things, they simply do not matter.

So then I have to stop and wonder – What if we treated the living like we treat the dead? What if we loved one another with only our positive in focus? What if the negatives didn’t matter as much? What if they didn’t weigh into our decision-making? “He never does anything at home!” “She always nags me!” “She is always hogging the television!” “He never listens to me!” What if these didn’t matter as much as the love we have for each other? What if we loved one another in a way is patient, and kind and not jealous? What if we didn’t brag, nor be arrogant? What if we didn’t behave unbecomingly nor seek our own? What if we didn’t get provoked, nor take into account a wrong suffered, nor rejoice in unrighteousness? What if the love we have would rejoice with the truth? What if we bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things? If we did, our love wouldn’t fail. Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

So let me ask you – Must we really lose a life before we truly value them? Must it really cost someone their final breath to fully cherish their worth?

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love
(1 Corinthians 13:13).

In closing I must say – I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord