Category: Life

Surely, The Lord Is In This Place

On By Rachel ChadalavadaIn Chaos, Future, Life, Uncertainty, WorshipLeave a comment

Every so often, I start fresh in Genesis—journeying through the Bible from the very beginning. Each time I start over, something new speaks to me.

Recently, one verse has stayed with me:

Then Jacob awoke from his sleep and said, ‘Surely the Lord is in this place, and I did not know it.’ — Genesis 28:16

Let’s look at how Jacob came to that moment.

His mother Rebekah had convinced him to deceive his father Isaac by pretending to be his brother Esau to receive the blessing of the firstborn. This enraged Esau—Enough for him to want to kill Jacob. Fearing for Jacob’s life, Rebekah urged him to flee.

So Jacob ran—literally fleeing for his life—and ended up in the place he would later name Bethel. There, exhausted, afraid, perhaps traumatized and wrecked with guilt, Jacob lay his head on a rock. He was alone, uncertain of his future, completely out of control.

And yet—it was in that very place that God revealed Himself to Jacob in a dream. It was there that Jacob received a promise:

I am the Lord, the God of your father Abraham and the God of Isaac. The land on which you lie I will give to you and to your descendants. Your descendants will also be like the dust of the earth… and in you and in your descendants shall all the families of the earth be blessed… I am with you and will keep you wherever you go… I will not leave you until I have done what I promised you. — Genesis 28:13–15

When Jacob wakes up, he realizes something profound: God had been with him all along—he just hadn’t known it — Hadn’t perceived it.

Fast forward to the story of Joseph, Jacob’s son, recorded in Genesis 37–50.
Joseph—his father’s beloved—was sold into slavery by his own brothers. Imagine how he must have felt: scared, betrayed, abandoned, wronged. The Bible doesn’t describe his emotions, but they’re not hard to imagine.

Yet the Bible tells us this: God was with Joseph.

This young man found favor in the eyes of the Egyptian commander and was put in charge of his household. Over the next several chapters, Joseph is wronged again and again—falsely accused, imprisoned, forgotten. And yet, the Bible repeats: God was with Joseph.

My life the past few years has been focused on humanitarian assistance, providing spiritual and physical aid to hurting people around the world in Jesus’ name. The people I serve have been victims of war, poverty, natural disasters, disease, and famine. They are in their current state through no fault of their own. These people have lost their homes, land, livelihoods—even loved ones. Their future is uncertain.

Their homes are gone, but their mortgages remain.
Their cars are gone, but the payments persist.
Their loved ones are gone, but they must endure.

They didn’t ask to be in this place. But here they are.

Some haven’t even begun to process the past, let alone imagine a future.
And yet, in this place, shaped by a storm of some sorts that uprooted lives, God was there—and they weren’t even aware of it. God is there in the teams that show up to provide food, clean water, nutrition commodities, medical assistance, and even shelter; to share the love of Jesus.

So, what about you? What brought you to the place you find yourself in today? Do you see God in it? Are you aware of His presence?

Will you, like Jacob, say, “Surely the Lord is in this place, and I didn’t know it”?

Will you, like Joseph, trust that God is still with you?

Have you, like the people I get to serve, seen the Lord meet you at your point of need?

Will you let Him?

Regardless of how you got here—or how I got here—this is true:

God is in this place. And perhaps, that isn’t just enough—it’s everything.

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord!

Single, Not Alone: Trusting God in the Waiting

On By Rachel ChadalavadaIn Future, Life, RelationshipsLeave a comment

Service this past Sunday was interesting. It was on singleness – Definitely not what I was expecting on Mother’s Day. However, it did get me thinking about my own journey of singleness.

I’ll admit it: talking about singleness makes me uncomfortable. Hearing someone else talk about it makes me cringe. But it shouldn’t. I’m not ashamed of it. So why do I treat it like a touchy subject?

A long time ago, I made a decision—to speak openly about the things I wished more people talked about. I know there are many like me who are content in this season of life, yet still struggle from time to time. If that’s you, I want you to know: you are not alone. I see you. I feel you. I’m in the same boat. I often wonder if walking through this season of life would be easier if more people would talk about it. I think it would. Knowing you’re not alone always makes a difference.

I am 38yrs old.

When you’re my age, people stop asking the question most singles dread: “When are you getting married?” You’ve either been written off by others—or you’ve written yourself off. Maybe you’re surrounded by the narrative that you’re just not doing enough to be in the “right place” to meet someone.

There was a season when loved ones would say things like, “How are you ever going to meet someone if you’re in Africa, in the middle of nowhere? You’re doing yourself a disservice. You need to be where people can see you.” I know they meant well, and they said those things because they cared. But even with the best intentions, those words were still painful to hear.

Is walking in obedience to God’s call over my life, the reason I’m still single?

I have no doubt that God called me to missions. For a season, that meant South Sudan and Ethiopia. Today, it means the United States. If God had wanted, I could’ve met someone in the middle of a swamp. But I remained single—even among 1.3 billion people in India, where I lived until 2013.

Sunday’s sermon made some powerful points—ones that deeply resonated with me:

  • Singleness is a gift. It allows for undivided devotion to the Lord, the freedom to focus, space to grow, and the capacity to serve.
  • Your relationship status isn’t your identity.
  • Life doesn’t begin after marriage. You are living a full life now. I know I am.
  • Singleness is not a break from your purpose. If you’re not living out your purpose now, that’s a heart issue—not a relationship status issue.
  • Singleness is a sacred opportunity to spend time with the Lord—because He is enough.

I agreed with all the points, but I struggled a bit with the last one—specifically, “God is enough.”
Then why do I still want more?

I love Jesus. My life revolves around Him. He is my sun, and I am all nine planets. I do not know a life apart from Him, and I don’t want one. But when someone says Jesus should be enough in my singleness, I feel a pang of sadness. Because despite loving Him with my whole heart, I still feel a deep longing for a partner.

The Lord and I have talked about this—often. And I want to share something He showed me that has helped me deeply:

The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:15, 17).

In Adam’s most intimate season with God, God saw that it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. That’s worth noticing. Adam didn’t feel the need for a helper. He didn’t crave for it. He didn’t desire it. He didn’t ask for it. He had no reference point for loneliness. But God saw him. He saw that he was alone. And God decided Adam needed a helper—so He created Eve.

Why bring this up? Because it’s important to recognize that you can be content in the Lord and still desire a partner. The two can co-exist; By design they can co-exist. Learning this, recognizing this, and embracing this has been nothing short of freeing.

A few more thoughts I wish we talked about more often:

  • Embrace your singleness. Really enjoy it. Take care of yourself. Go on those trips you’ve saved in your reels. Don’t wait to live your life. I grew up hearing, “Do whatever you want after you’re married, with your husband.” I’m so glad I didn’t listen. I’ve traveled solo and with friends—and I have zero regrets.
  • Be the best aunt you can be. Your siblings’ and friends’ kids may have other aunties—but they are not you.
  • Celebrate others—but allow yourself to grieve. When younger friends and cousins get married, rejoice with them. But also acknowledge your own longing. That grief is real.
  • You don’t always have to be strong. On the hard days, let yourself feel it. Cry. Grieve. Eat ice cream straight from the carton. Your tears are not a betrayal of your faith. You can trust God and be sad. They are not mutually exclusive. Feel the down in the dumps, but don’t stay there.
  • Cherish your married friends. Don’t discount them just because you’re in different life stages. Be the third wheel if you must. A tuk-tuk has three wheels—and it’s fun!
  • Wrestle with the Lord. Lament. He’s not afraid of your tears or your questions. And if, like me, you don’t know what to ask—just sit in His presence and let the tears fall freely.
  • Trust Jesus with your desires. Even if they are never fulfilled, He is still trustworthy.

Don’t reason your way through your singleness:

  • “Did I do something to deserve this?”
    Oh friend—if we all got what we deserved… yikes.
  • “I must be unlovable or damaged.”
    How dare you! You are deeply loved—by friends, family, and above all, your Creator. Don’t disregard the love you have, because of a love you do not.
  • “Am I not good enough?”
    There is nothing “not enough” about you. You are more than enough.
  • “Maybe my standards are too high?”
    Choosing a life partner is second only to choosing to follow Christ. Don’t you dare apologize for having standards.
  • “Being single means I can’t have a family.”
    Ask your parents, siblings, and friends if they consider you family. You already belong.
  • “Life will be better when I’m married.”
    If you’re not fulfilled now, you won’t be fulfilled in marriage.
  • “God is holding out on me.”
    “He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all—how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32)
  • “Single = Alone.”
    Are you isolating yourself? If not, you’re not alone.
  • “I need to look a certain way to be desirable.”
    That’s a lie I believed for too long. Surely if I lose just a few more lbs/kgs someone will notice me. What happens when you gain weight? Or age? Beauty fades, bodies change. You are fearfully and wonderfully made—Don’t ever forget that.
  • “It’s too late for me.”
    That’s what Abraham, Sarah, Zechariah, Elizabeth thought. But God…!!!

I have often prayed, as I am sure you have too: “Lord, if marriage is not Your plan for me, just tell me. Then I will know for sure, and I can move on with my life.”

I have come to realize that the pursuit of certainty is redundant when the calling is to live by faith and not by sight. What I see and understand is so very minute and miniscule in significance to all that I don’t see or understand. So, I have decided that I will embrace whatever the Lord has allowed for me to have right now, to be faithful to what He has placed in my hands. If the Lord is truly the Keeper of my heart, then it is His job to care for it, shield it, protect it, and entrust it to another.

There is a lot I do not know, but this I do know:

“As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:15)
Even if it is a house of one.

“Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain” (Psalm 127:1a)
Let the Lord build. You chill. Travel. Spoil your nieces and nephews.

I lift my eyes up; my help comes from the Lord.

So Long, South Sudan!

On By Rachel ChadalavadaIn Life, South Sudan3 Comments

Today I leave South Sudan. I never thought I would pen down these words. Every international staff that comes here, knows this day will arrive. Now that it has arrived for me, I’m not entirely certain how to process it.

Traditional goodbye picture of Samaritan’s Purse South Sudan

It has been more than three and a half years of living in, and loving South Sudan. This nation, though devastatingly broken brought me incredible life, joy and laughter. I’ve made friendships that will last me a lifetime, and I get to call them family.

People often say to me, “How will you find love if you’re in a place like South Sudan?” Oh I wish they could see me now. I wish they could see that I did find love. I found love in the South Sudanese people, in the South Africans, Americans, Ugandans, Kenyans, Ethiopians, Nepalese, fellow Indians, Australians, Canadians, and Brits. I found love in the food distribution sites of Ajoung Thok and Yida. I found love at the rehabilitated borehole of Maiwut. I found love in the back of a shady canoe in the swamps of Mayendit. I found love in the crooked smile of a kid with a cleft lip and in the hen so lovingly offered by a beneficiary. I found love in the salute of our guard, in the “I know how Rachel likes her eggs” of our chef, in the “Kaif Rachel? Tamam?” of our housekeeping ladies. I found love in the life-giving hugs, numerous mugs of chai, coffee tastings, girls nights, therapy sessions, movie nights, cooking-up-a-storm nights, the many birthdays celebrations… the list can go on. I found love in friends that so quickly became family.

My time in South Sudan has been gut-wrenching, yet life-giving. I have grieved here and I have loved here. I have experienced loss and have experienced gain. I have seen beauty birth out of great pain – beauty from ashes. And in all of it, I know this with all my heart – God is in South Sudan. His hand of favor rests firmly upon this nation and upon its people.

This I know with all my heart, that God so loved South Sudan that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him, will have eternal life (John 3:16).

To anyone who says, “Rachel, there’s so much war and conflict and corruption here. How can you say God’s favor is on South Sudan?” To you I say from Romans 8:

He who did not spare His only Son, but delivered Him over for us all, will He not with Him, give us all good things? (Vs. 32). Who then will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or trouble, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? (Vs. 35). But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor demons, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the C love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Vs. 37-39).

As I bid this beautiful nation adieu, my prayer for it is this: Our Father, who art in Heaven. Hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done in South Sudan, as it is in Heaven. Amen.

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord.

This is the Way. Walk in it.

On By Rachel ChadalavadaIn Future, Life, WorshipLeave a comment

I was recently deboarding a plane, and there was a mama behind me, calling out directions, “Go! Go!” I looked around to see who she was talking to. And sure enough, about 2ft off the floor, was this little munchkin toddling about behind me. She was listening to the instruction her mama was giving her, and followed through as best as she could. The mama was struggling with her bags and didn’t have enough hands to hold the toddler. I decided to help, and offered my guiding hand to this little explorer. She clutched my hand, and we made our way out of the plane, and down the stairs to the buses. Mama and baby were to go to Nigeria, while I was on my way to South Sudan. “Come on, let’s go. This way!” mama called out to the little girl when it was time for us to part ways. They were headed to Abuja. I was not. Whether the little girl kicked and screamed, or smiled and laughed, THAT was the direction she had to go in – the one her mama was leading her in.

Over the past few months I been thinking a lot about direction, God’s leading, choices, and the impact of our choices on the prevailing of God’s will. My prayer has been this – Lord, if I have a choice in the direction my life is headed, where does, “the steps of a righteous man are ordered by God,” come into play? Are You directing my steps, or am I choosing them?

The year 2023 is going to be a year of change, of new beginnings. It’s going to be a fresh start, in a new location, serving a new people. It is as scary, as it is exciting. The choice I make, will determine whether I stay in South Sudan, or move to another country. What if it’s a location I don’t want to go to? How will I know that that choice is the right one?

I was texting a friend about the direction I think the Lord is leading me in. No sooner than I pressed ‘send,’ I received a call, and on the other side was my loving friend, asking me with genuine concern, “Rachel, what are you doing? Have you thought this through? You know you have a choice. God can use you just as well in a different direction.”  Choice. I do have a choice.

From the time I asked myself that life defining question, “What is it that I’m doing that has any eternal gain?” my choices have been a series of denying myself and following Christ. Quitting a well-paying and stable job to pursue higher education at a time when I should’ve been home, starting a family and laying down roots; staying in the U.S. even when it didn’t seem like another job was on the horizon, trusting that He will provide; returning to India and feeling like I didn’t have the opportunity to lay down roots even though I desperately wanted to; coming to a conflict-ridden place like South Sudan; staying in this warzone for over three years; and now, heading to another disaster-stricken location.

The choices I have made have definitely not been in my best interest – at least in the way you and I understand it. But for the kingdom of heaven, they have been pivotal. God doesn’t need me to accomplish His purposes. I know this. And yet He calls out, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” My unequivocal response, a thousand times, is this – “Here I am Lord, send me” (Isaiah 6:8).  

Yes, I have a choice. Therefore, I choose to say yes to any, and every opportunity He gives me to walk in obedience to Him, and in service to His people, wherever they may be – India, America, South Sudan, Timbuktu.

And when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left, your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it’ ~ Isaiah 30:21

In closing I have to say – I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord

God Was With (insert name)

On By Rachel ChadalavadaIn Future, Life, South Sudan, Uncertainty1 Comment

In less than three months, I would’ve completed three years of living in and loving South Sudan. Every ounce of service I’ve rendered to the people of this country has been worth it. Sure, living in a war-torn country has its pitfalls, but the calling has always been certain. It has always been sure. Until, around this time last year when I began praying about my next steps. South Sudan was never part of any of my plans, yet here I was. At the end of my first year in Juba, I asked the Lord if it was time for me to leave. His response was sure and certain – “Stay longer. Dig deeper.” So, during my second year in this young nation, that’s what I did. I dug deeper. Deeper in my job. Deeper in my relationships. Deeper in my personal growth. I became even more intentional with people, and that much more intentional with my job.

When you live in a country like South Sudan, life is unique. You have freedom, but your freedom is restricted. For example, all NGOs have a curfew – You must be back on your compound by 8pm. Also, you live on a compound. It is gated, fenced with barbwires, and has uniformed guards 24/7. As a woman, you have to exercise more caution – You can’t drive here. You can’t even go out for a walk by yourself. You must be escorted at all times. Sometimes, in the stillness of the night, you will randomly hear gunshots go off, with no explanation of why. After a certain time, locations like South Sudan begin to wear you out. It is easy to see why there is a quick turn over of aid-workers. So, at the end of two years of being here, I wasn’t out of line to once again ask the Lord if it was time for me to leave. After all, I had lived here for two full years. Without waiting for an answer, I started talking about wanting to leave with my leadership. I reached out to colleagues at our international head quarters to see if there were any openings outside of South Sudan. I knocked on every door I could find because I was convinced that two years here was long enough. I needed a change. Someone from our leadership asked me if I would stay longer, if I was offered a change here in South Sudan. I distinctly remember saying to him, “Saying yes to South Sudan, means I’m saying no to a lot of other things. I will have to think about it.” While I wasn’t entirely wrong in my statement, I only realized several months after that conversation that I was somehow convinced that if I wanted “more” out of my life, it could only happen when and if I left South Sudan, as if God was incapable of providing that “more” right here.

Over the past few days I’ve been reading the incredible story of Joseph that is recorded in the book of Genesis, chapters 37-50. Without going into too much detail, Joseph was the darling of his father, the apple of his eye. His brothers were jealous of the favoritism his dad showed him. Eventually they sell him off to a group of Egyptians, and he ends up in an Egyptian commander’s house as his slave. This is the very first in the story of Joseph where it says, “God was with Joseph.” This young boy finds favor in the eyes of the commander and is put in charge of his entire household. Because “God was with Joseph,” the commander and his household were blessed. Joseph is eventually falsely accused of making sexual advances toward the Commander’s wife, and is thrown into prison. The Bible says, “God was with Joseph.” He soon finds favor in the eyes of the Jailer, and he is put in charge of the entire prison. Long story short, Joseph makes his way up to being only next in command to Pharaoh, an eventuality that nobody could’ve possibly foreseen. What stands out to me in this, ‘rags to riches’ story, isn’t that Joseph went from rags, to riches, but that when he was in rags, “God was with Joseph.” In the lowest of lows, in the midst of captivity and slavery, in the hardest of hard places, “God was with Joseph.” For God to be with Joseph, Joseph didn’t have to be in another location. He didn’t have to be at a certain stage or season or phase in life. Wherever Joseph was, God met him there. God was with Joseph in the pit. God was with Joseph in the Commander’s house. God was with Joseph in the prison. God was with Joseph in Pharaoh’s house.

This morning in church we were singing the song “Goodness of God.” It’s one of my favorite songs and I’ve sung it so many times. Today however, the bridge hit me like a ton of bricks – “Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.” I realized, without a shadow of doubt, that to experience God’s goodness, I didn’t have to leave South Sudan. I could experience it right here, just as I have over the past two years. What makes me think that God’s goodness is suddenly going to be withheld from me because I am entering year three? I know it seems foolish, and it is, but when feelings of being stuck and uncertain get in the way of your vision of who God is, and what He’s calling you to do, it is easy to get carried away. Please, don’t get me wrong. I’m not implying that living in a war-torn country is a cake-walk. It most definitely is not. Over the past few months I have wanted to desperately leave and make a run for it, and it was frustrating the daylights out of me that the Lord simply wouldn’t let me. It is true that saying “Yes” to South Sudan is definitely saying “No” to a lot of things, but I have to resonate with David’s words – “I will not offer to the Lord my God sacrifices that have cost me nothing.”

Yes, staying longer in South Sudan will cost me, but the cost of obedience is always worth it, whether I feel it or not, whether I see it or not. So, until it’s time to leave, I will stay. I will trust in the Lord with all of my heart, and I will not lean on my own understanding. In all of my ways I will acknowledge Him, and He will make my paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6).

You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life (Psalm 23: 5-6 bits and pieces).

Here’s four points that you should take back from this post:

  1. Regardless of where you are, God is with you; Even if it doesn’t feel that way.
  2. Surely, goodness and mercy will follow you all the days of your life.
  3. God is faithful. He always has been. He always will be. He is trustworthy. He will not let you down.
  4. If God’s making you wait, He has good reason for it; Even if He won’t share the reason with you.

When darkness seems to hide His face
I’ll rest on His unchanging grace
Through every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.

On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand.

In closing I have to say – I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord.

I do… Till Death Do Us Part

For the past few weeks, marriage has been on my mind. This is mostly because so many of my friends are stuck in rocky marriages. Some of them barely made a year and looking to call it quits, and others, after over a decade of being together decided that it was more sane for them to walk away from each other. And some others, want to stick to their vows even when they’re the only ones in the marriage who want to honor the “Till death do us part.” As much as I want to be there for my friends, and I am, albeit with my zero knowledge and understanding of marriage, it does make me sad to see my friends sad. Marriage, in my opinion, binds you so tightly to each other, to make you one with another, that ripping it apart can only leave you torn to pieces.

I was talking to one of my colleagues the other day about this and she said to me, “Wow Rachel, this must leave you with a bad taste about marriage. But I’m sure you have examples of good marriages around you as well.” This got me thinking. Do I have good examples around me? What did marriage entail anyway? So I decided to unpack the wedding vows and see them for what they mean, not in just words, but in deeds.

“I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife…” 

My parents were far from perfect. Some days they fought like cats and dogs and it would leave me wondering what the point of them being together was if they couldn’t have a decent conversation with each other. The very next day I would watch my mom brew coffee for my dad because that’s how he likes it. She may be upset with him but he wasn’t going to be subjected to instant coffee. Not on her watch. And my dad? Ha! The man couldn’t spend an evening without my mom. If she stepped out for a meeting or a prayer, he would eat my head about when she was going to be home. As soon as she came home, he did his own thing, and she did hers. And just like that I knew the war between them was over. Did they fix their issues? Who knows! Did they talk it out? No idea! All I know is, they chose to drop the subject and carry on with life. Apparently dwelling in peace was more important than holding on to conflict.
“To have and to hold.”

My parents made more than their share of mistakes. When my dad was away in Guntur to work at a factory, my mother was left in Hyderabad to raise two young girls by herself. One of the young girls, who shall remain unnamed, was definitely a handful. My dad’s decision to do his business elsewhere cost our family togetherness, albeit for a short season. And through it all my mother encouraged him to pursue all that he wanted to. Even if she found it difficult.
“For better, for worse” 

You know our family. We are middle class just like almost every other person. Although, for several years we survived on a rickety old ambassador car that would only function if you were able to jump into it and get it started whilst pushing it up and down the slope of our basement. I’m not saying we were poor. I am saying that we weren’t rich. Even through bad financial decisions, my parents stuck together. They may not have spoken to each other from time to time, they may have even pointed fingers at each other. But they never left each other’s side. Not once.
“For richer, for poorer.”

In 2004, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Where was my dad? Right next to her. He waited outside the operation theatre when she was in surgery, and slept alone in the patient room when she was in the ICU. He sold property and made less than profitable deals to ensure all her medical expenses were taken care of. My mother survived. Now it was his turn. His journey of sickness began in 2006 when he had a paralytic stroke. Since then his health faced several challenges. Bypass surgery. Abscess. Chronic kidney disease. Renal failure. Dialysis. Sepsis. More dialysis. Where was my mom through all of this? Right next to my dad. Getting her out of the waiting room to go home and get some rest was a herculean task. His stubbornness and often times callous attitude toward his health drove her to the point of insanity several times. But did she budge? Ha!
“In sickness and in health”

The year 2019 put our entire family to the test. Especially my parents. My dad developed sepsis this year which caused his initial method of dialysis – hemodialysis – to fail, rendering the need to switch to peritoneal dialysis. This form of dialysis required that the patient have dialysis administered to him at home, four times a day in four hour intervals. Our entire family thought that this was going to be very hard on my mom who was his caregiver, that she would have a burnout, and that she wouldn’t be able to handle it. She shouldn’t have to handle it. Guess what? My mother wouldn’t let anyone else near my dad with a 100ft pole. If there was anyone who would care for him, it was going to be her. The only other person she trusted to administer dialysis for him, was me. She put her entire life on a standstill to care for his every need. Let me tell you this – It is easy to love someone when they are at their absolute best. But when they are sick, needy, entirely dependent on you for everything from getting off the bed, to using the wash room, to putting on clothes, love has to go from an emotion to an intentional commitment. A covenant. Like my mom’s. And she honored that commitment until the very end.
“To love and to cherish, till death do us part.”

On December 30, 2019, my parents would’ve celebrated 44yrs of togetherness. Just eight days after my dad passed away.

I know that when we say “I do” we look forward to a “Happily ever after.” We are so excited about the “To have and to hold, from this day forward” and so pumped about the “Thereto, I pledge thee my devotion,” that it is easy to forget that between those two truths, lie a series of other truths – The good. The bad. The wealth. The poverty. The sickness. The ill-health. How can we want a “happily ever after” without being faithful to all that is in-between?

I know I am no expert on this subject and perhaps that stands against my credibility as a writer. But God’s Word remains true no matter who the speaker is:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
~ 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

I am certain that marriage is tough. Spending every single day of your life making your spouse the priority instead of yourself, surely can’t be easy. But don’t tell me it can’t be done. I have proof that it can. I have proof that the joy of companionship and oneness far outweighs the sacrifice.

In closing I must say – I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord!

On By Rachel ChadalavadaIn Chaos, Future, Life1 Comment

Must We Lose a Life?

On By Rachel ChadalavadaIn Life2 Comments

Death changes us. Sometimes it changes us more than life ever will. Losing my father was the most gut-wrenching thing I have ever experienced. How can a person be missed so much, is beyond me. It’s not like I’ve never been without my dad. I lived overseas for three years and in that time I saw my dad twice. It’s not like I spoke to him everyday. I may have spoken to him for a few minutes once a week. We were close and yet we weren’t. We were apart and yet so close. I think it’s the finality of death that makes this separation so hard.

The irony of life isn’t it? They say you don’t truly value something until you don’t have it any more. But the truth is, when you lose something, or in this case, someone you value with all your heart, the loss is unimaginable. And I wish no one has to go through it. Ever. Death makes the need for salvation that much more evident. God knew that death would destroy us – Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. After my dad died, I couldn’t read my Bible or pray for almost a month. But in the stillness of the night, as I wiped my tears away, I knew I wasn’t alone. I’m never alone. Especially when I’ve been the saddest, and most devastated, I’ve felt the loving arms of my Father, who would hold me as I sobbed my grief. No words were spoken, no advise was rendered. In the stillness, in the quietness, among the sniffling sobs, God was being God, and I was His grieving child, and I experienced the truth of His Word that assures me – The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).

Often times when my sister and I talk about my dad, she says to me, “How did we get so mad with him re?” Let me give you some context to that statement – My dad was a wonderful man, but he was an incredibly stubborn man. If he made up his mind about something, heaven help you if you try to change it. He was a poster boy for patient in the hospital, but when he came home, discharged, and had to stick to a new schedule and follow dietary restrictions, let me tell you, you’d think the terrible-twos were angels. He drove us up the wall! But now that he isn’t here anymore to send me down the path of insanity, that side of him never comes to mind. All I can think of, are the wonderful moments I spent with him. Whether it was going for a late night drive to get ice-cream, or it was a heart-to-heart on choosing the right life partner, one that I would choose, the memories I hold dear have nothing to do with things that annoyed me about him – because those things, they simply do not matter.

So then I have to stop and wonder – What if we treated the living like we treat the dead? What if we loved one another with only our positive in focus? What if the negatives didn’t matter as much? What if they didn’t weigh into our decision-making? “He never does anything at home!” “She always nags me!” “She is always hogging the television!” “He never listens to me!” What if these didn’t matter as much as the love we have for each other? What if we loved one another in a way is patient, and kind and not jealous? What if we didn’t brag, nor be arrogant? What if we didn’t behave unbecomingly nor seek our own? What if we didn’t get provoked, nor take into account a wrong suffered, nor rejoice in unrighteousness? What if the love we have would rejoice with the truth? What if we bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things? If we did, our love wouldn’t fail. Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

So let me ask you – Must we really lose a life before we truly value them? Must it really cost someone their final breath to fully cherish their worth?

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love
(1 Corinthians 13:13).

In closing I must say – I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord

One Month Later

I can’t believe that it’s already been a month since we laid my sweet daddy to rest. Time needs to slow down. I’m not ready to accept that thirty days have gone by since I bid him farewell. I know I’ll see him again. I know that death is just temporary. I know it all. But that doesn’t make it any easier. Not a day goes by when I don’t miss him. I can’t bring myself to actually saying the words. Sometimes when people who don’t know ask me how my family is doing, I just nod my head and smile. How can I say with my own mouth that my dad is no more? How is that even possible? I still talk about him in the present tense and it kills me when I have to stop and rephrase my sentence to the past tense.

I can still hear his voice in my head. When I close my eyes, I still feel him needle me around just to get under my skin. And when I talk to my mother, I half expect him to pop into the screen and complain about how I am sharing secrets with her and how I need to repeat every single word back to him. But none of it happens. I wish with all my heart that this was all a bad dream and that I would just wake up and realize that everything is fine; that my life hasn’t changed forever. What I wouldn’t give to see him point a finger at me when in fact it was he who farted. I would gladly take the blame.

If only I could turn back time. I would undo all the times I got frustrated with him. I’d never stay mad at him. I would listen to him more, argue less, and freely let him annoy me. I would gladly give him all the Haleem he wanted, and willingly hand over even my share of ice cream. I think of all the times I got worked up and upset with him and I wonder – was it worth it? Was it worth sweating the small stuff? Is it ever worth it? If I could turn back time, I would tell him that I loved him over and over again till it embarrassed him. I’d never complain about how his mustache poked my face when he kissed me. I would gladly let him kiss me. Even just one more kiss will do. Just one more. If I could turn back time, I would swap places with him in a heartbeat.

I know that’s not possible.

However, what is possible is this – That I hold on to his memories – Loads and loads of memories. And I will cherish every single one of them to my final breath. I remember the many times I was able to trick him into signing my report card mere seconds before I raced into school because I was too chicken to face the music for my low grades (Darn that stupid Math!) Of course, he more than made up for it by ratting me out to my mom that very evening (Traitor!). I remember how he warned me that he would throw me out of the house if I ever brought a boy home. You should’ve seen his face when not one but two boys became my best friends and basically spent all of their time in my house (Joke’s on you dad!). The rhymes he came up with to blame everyone else for that stinky fart (Yikes!). He was my knight in shining armor who rescued me from the wall lizards in my house. And the moths. And the roaches. Basically every creepy, crawly. He told me not to bother if my goal was not to excel. When everyone else gave beggars the unsolicited advise to go find work, he told me to give them a bigger bill because who were we to judge their situation? What if they really did need the money and that God was trying to use me to meet their need? Would that extra cash really drill a hole in my pocket?

Everybody loved my dad. Especially the woman with leprosy who stood outside our window till he gave her alms – she came every day, and he gave her money every day for several years; the lame beggar at the church gate – I cannot tell you the number of times my dad made me walk back to the gate because he forgot to give him some money that Sunday. If I mistakenly took out a small bill, my dad would give me a dirty look, and not so politely remind me to give enough money for the man to purchase a good meal. After all, what was the point of God’s blessings if I couldn’t pay them forward?

I miss him.

I miss him so much.

If I knew I’d miss him this much, I would’ve spent every waking moment with him. I would’ve called him everyday and I would’ve never gotten irritated with him.

Gosh how I miss him.

Having said all of this, there’s another, more important thing that I need to say and you need to know – As my family and I continue to grieve, I know without a shadow of doubt that “we do not grieve as those without hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the dead in Christ will rise again” (1 Thessalonians 4:14-15 paraphrased).

Happy one month in heaven daddy! I will always love you!

In closing I must say – I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord!

PS: I often times write out my raw and intimate emotions. I do this not so you, my reader, are aware of my deepest pain. I write this way so that you, my reader, will know, in your moment of immense heart ache, that you are not alone. I write so that you will always have at least one person who knows what you’re going through.

On By Rachel ChadalavadaIn Life

Chronicles of South Sudan: Worth It?

On By Rachel ChadalavadaIn Life, South Sudan7 Comments

Today marks two and a half months (10 weeks) of being here in South Sudan. Time flies when you’re having fun they say. However, ‘Fun’ isn’t the term you’d use for life here. Not because it’s not comfortable or convenient, but because the dire situation of people living in physical and spiritual brokenness will leave you distraught. It will make you question if anything you’re doing is worth it, or if you are even making a dent.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been traveling to our various field sites and the things I’ve seen have left a lasting impression on my heart. I can’t ever un-see them. I’ve seen a whole county of people who are mere skin and bones. I’ve watched children running around naked because they don’t have a choice. They simply don’t have clothes. I’ve heard stories of how, when the country was in crisis, women fled with their children, while their husbands were being hacked to death. I’ve seen the faces of helpless refugees, and I’ve shaken hands with hungry children.

However, I have also seen little bright faces find immense joy in seeing a ‘Khawaja’ – anyone who is light skinned. A foreigner if you will. I’ve heard giggles of young boys and girls as they lay down nets to catch fish in mucky flood waters. I’ve borne witness to a community that is resilient and strong. I’ve seen women who sacrifice their own food rations, to help their neighbor who doesn’t have enough. I’ve seen people who serve refugees in South Sudan, while their own families live as refugees in the neighboring countries of Kenya, Uganda and even Ethiopia. And I’ve watched them serve with enthusiasm, love and compassion. It is one thing to leave your family and go to another country for work. It’s a whole other story for you to stay back to work, while sending your family to another country as refugees. The sacrifice is too great. Yet, for the sake of the calling, completely worth it.

South Sudan has humbled me in more ways than I can fully understand, and has taught me lessons that I’m still trying to process. For all the questions raised at my decision to move here, I can say this – I did the right thing answering the call. I regret nothing. Even though I don’t directly work with refugees and people living in extreme poverty, I get to support those who do. And I am deeply grateful to be able to do so.

I’ve learned so much in the short time I’ve lived here.

I’ve learned that you can’t feed the soul without first feeding the body. It is hard for anyone to pay attention to anything when all you can hear is the rumbling sound of hunger pangs. Jesus took care of both the spiritual AND the physical needs of people.

God cares deeply about the widows, the orphans, the stranger and the poor. If He didn’t, what exactly am I, and every other humanitarian aid worker doing in South Sudan?

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the massive need there is in this country, and how much we are even able to do. I wonder often if this peoples suffering will ever end. And I wonder if the work we do makes enough of a difference, to all these people. As I pondered about this, I was reminded about the parable of the lost sheep, where Jesus talks about the shepherd who left 99 sheep behind, to go find that one lost sheep. Now I understand that the context of that story is very different from this current scenario. Hear me out nonetheless. This tale playing in my mind, I read a quote, I’m not sure who it is by, which says – “Jesus leaving the 99 to find one seems illogical, irrational and senseless, until that one is you!” And somehow it all just clicked. I realized that it doesn’t matter if the work we are doing is impacting and transforming the lives of a large number of Sudanese (refugees) and South Sudanese (host community) folk. If we are able to transform one life, then everything that we do here is worth it. In a world that only speaks the language of numbers, I am reminded that if Jesus ran after the one, then nothing should stop me from doing so as well.

Not being able to do enough, is no excuse for not doing anything at all.

So, was moving to South Sudan worth it? – Yes. A million times yes!

As you read this post, I hope you will take some time to pray for this country. Jesus is the hope for South Sudan. For now, I get to be His hands and feet here and for that, I am grateful.

In closing I must say, I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord!

 

 

DISCLAIMER: All views, opinions and ideas in this post and blog, are personal and do not reflect or represent those of my employer.

PS: Don’t miss admiring the confident pose of the little man in the extreme left in the photograph above, who is not a part of this family, but didn’t bat an eyelid to be a part of the picture. Haha! Kids right? 😉 #precious

 

“Where Did I Go Wrong?”

On By Rachel ChadalavadaIn Chaos, Life, Worship1 Comment

One of the first things you’ll know about me is this – I talk to everybody. I am there for everybody. I’m a friend to everybody. However, I am very intentional about who I allow into my inner-circle. I am cautious about who I allow to invest in my life. I am careful about who I allow to see me. I know that sounds bad, but it is said, “You are only going to be as good as the people you surround yourself with.” The Bible too vouches for the same idea: “The righteous choose their friends carefully” (Proverbs 12:26a); “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20). So if I call you my “Friend” you know that it is by choice. I choose you – Our relationship didn’t happen by chance. I’m sure you see the wisdom in this. So tell me, what happens when one of these carefully, intentionally chosen and loved relationships fails you?

An incident in the recent past had taken me on a rather confusing roller coaster ride with one of my most cherished friendships, leaving me feeling sad, hurt, rejected and forsaken. The dictionary definition for the term “Forsaken” is “Abandoned” or “Deserted” and yes, that pretty much sums up how I felt. Another thing you’ll know about me is that when I face crap like this, I like to quickly deal with it and move on – That’s exactly what I did. I dealt with it, forgave, asked for forgiveness, and moved on. Until, everything resurfaced this morning, when a friend in church decided to shed more light on this incident and let me tell you, the end of that conversation left me feeling smaller than the size of a pea. Now listen, this isn’t the first time I’ve been deeply hurt by friends I love and would easily take a bullet for, and I know that unfortunately this won’t be the last. But that doesn’t mean that it gets any easier, or that the pain isn’t intense. So, I did the one thing that I knew to do… I asked the Lord and myself, “Where did I go wrong?” “What did I not see?” Surely I missed something somewhere. Why else would it come to this? Why else would everything go wrong?

These thoughts swirling in my mind, I walked on to the stage, consciously deciding to switch gears from my aching heart to worshipping a sovereign God. As the music began to play, I held my microphone in my hand and waited for the lyrics to show up on the screen. The music-intro to the song was almost through but the lyrics never showed. We somehow managed to croon through the first verse… still no lyrics. All the video screens just shut down and NOTHING was working. EVERYTHING seemed to go wrong.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – technical errors happen ALL the time. Why should I make it seem like such a big deal? Well, it’s a big deal because while this scenario may perhaps be common to other churches, it isn’t common to mine. We are well prepared. The production team works tirelessly from the previous evening, making sure everything is in order. They arrive super early on Sunday morning to run through the videos, the sound check, the slide shows, the lyrics for all the songs… They do EVERYTHING in their power to ensure there isn’t a technical glitch like there was right now.

In the midst of this chaotic yet, the-show-must-go-on moment, I felt a stirring in my spirit that left me with this question – “So, where did the production team go wrong?” I realized that while I had tried to mentally switch gears, the Lord was in the mood to address and lay my concerns to rest then and there. My response, all while struggling to recollect the lyrics of the song we were still singing, was, “Nothing Lord. Not a thing.” They did everything in their power to make sure there was no technical glitch. In that moment I felt the Lord assure me that sometimes, even when you do EVERYTHING right, crap happens. You lose your job. You get skipped for a promotion. Someone else takes your place. You pay the price for someone else’s mistakes. You get blamed for something you had nothing to do with. You get hurt. You end up hurting.

Nobody wakes up thinking, “Oh, let me hurt my friend today.” It just happens. But in the midst of that crap, something else happens – You see, God is in the business of bringing beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3).

When the lyrics didn’t show up on the screen, the worship team sang the chorus from memory, and when we couldn’t remember any more, we just stopped singing the song that we rehearsed and couldn’t find the words to, and ended up singing a new song… a song that birthed in the hearts and mouths of everyone on the worship team, out of an adoration for their Savior, that wasn’t limited to the lyrics of the song. The audience poured out their hearts in praise… people raised their hands, knelt down on the ground… laid prostrate on the floor… turns out, nobody cared that there was a technical glitch. In that moment of everything just shutting down, true and pure worship… worship not limited to words penned by someone else, was rendered.

This experience in no way answered why I was treated the way I did or why my friend chose to forsake me. And if I’m honest, I know they didn’t intend to hurt me… It just happened. It was a technical glitch beyond my control, and possibly theirs as well. But in the midst of that hurt, the worship I choose to render to this God Who, in His divine wisdom, thought that it was in my best interest to go through the pain of this situation, is the sweetest and most genuine of all! 

“I love You Lord, and I lift my voice, to worship You. Oh my soul, rejoice!
Take joy my King in what You hear. May it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear.”

In closing I must say – I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord.