Tag: Identity

Yes, I Wear a Wig

On By Rachel ChadalavadaIn Life3 Comments

I never thought I’d find myself gathering the courage to write about this. For far too long I’ve let myself feel embarrassed and downright small over something that I wish I could control but sadly cannot. This post is my attempt to embrace my shortcomings and flaws, to stop being embarrassed about how I am created, to truly see myself as Christ sees me – Fearful and wonderful, and to raise awareness on basic sensitivity. A woman’s hair is said to be her “Crowning Glory” – So what about if a woman doesn’t have hair? Does she no longer have anything glorious about her?

When I woke up this morning, I had a big smile plastered on my face. Today was the day I would be annoyingly perky, getting on the nerves of anyone who hadn’t had their caffeine fix for the day. My hair was set right. My lipstick didn’t find a way to make it to my teeth. My pants fit just right, and boy did I look good! (Yes, I can be very vain sometimes!). I sat at the breakfast table and began chowing down my food whilst humming to Anthem Lights’ hymn mash ups – Y’all, if you haven’t heard them, you need to stop what you’re doing AFTER reading this post of course, and go check them out. They’re WOW! Anyway, a gentleman I met a few days ago passed by me and I gave him a polite, smiling “Hello.” He returned my greeting with this horrific question – One that I’ve tried so long to dodge: “Ma’am, please don’t feel bad but, are you wearing a wig?” I wish with all my heart that I looked at him and asked him to mind his own business, or even give him the deathly stare that would make him want to pull his own eyeballs out, or at the very least used my fork to not-so-gently force it through his thigh. Instead, I froze in my seat. All that confidence I finally built up over these years, came crashing down as I fake-smiled at him and answered, “Yes, I do wear a wig.” He just looked at me, obviously not expecting that answer, smiled a shocked smile, and changed the subject. How did knowing the answer to that question edify this gentleman’s life? Did it change his day in any way? No, right? Unfortunately, answering it changed mine. My precious perky high spirit came tumbling down into the dumps.

Alopecia isn’t something that’s talked about – at least not in India. We are perpetually obsessed with two things – A fair complexion and long, silky hair, neither of which I have. Heck, I’d be thrilled if I could barely cover my scalp. But that is a luxury I do not have. When I was 12yrs old, I fell extremely ill, the recovery from which left me putting on a lot of weight and losing a lot of hair. While controlling my weight is in my hands, losing hair or growing it, isn’t. I’ve tried Homeopathy, Alopathy, visited this doctor, tried that cream, and all of them left me staring at the mirror with a broken heart, a shattered self-confidence and a crushed spirit. I don’t think I have any more tears left to cry about this. I’m done.

Last year, I finally gave up on the dream of growing hair like a normal person, and shaved off whatever little I had left, to embrace God’s gift to people suffering from Alopecia – A wig! When I put it on, I was thrilled, not so much because of how I looked, but because of how I felt. I felt normal. I breathed a sigh of relief that finally, I would no longer have random strangers come and pitifully tsk at me for developing bald patches all over my scalp (True story!). I had my own inhibitions about wearing a wig. I wrestled with the idea for a very long time but I finally became comfortable with it.

I know that a lot of people have wondered how my hair made such a drastic turn around. Others have wondered how I never have a bad hair day. And still others have wondered if I wear a wig. For far too long, I was embarrassed about acknowledging it. But not any more. Today, I choose to hold my head up and believe with all my heart that it’s okay that I don’t have hair. It’s okay that I have obvious bald patches. It’s okay that I choose to wear a wig. Today, when that gentleman asked me about my wig, I hated the way that question made me feel. I hated how embarrassing that moment was for me. I realized that the only reason I felt as hurt as I did was because I was somehow embarrassed and uncomfortable with my choice. Why on earth should I be embarrassed though? If anyone should be embarrassed it should be people who choose to be insensitive toward other people. This ends today. Today, I take back the power.

The fact that I don’t have hair doesn’t take away from the fact that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, a girl made in the image of her Creator. It doesn’t discount the fact that I am sweet, loving and caring. I have a fun personality, a care-a-damn attitude, and a hilarious spunk. I’ve let Alopecia make me feel small for far too long. It’s time to look Alopecia in the face, kick it in its butt and say, I’m pressed but not crushed; Struck down but not destroyed. I’ve been blessed beyond the curse for His promises endure. Though the sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes in the morning!

As you finish reading this post, I have a few requests to make of you –

  1. Please don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t feel sorry for me. You shouldn’t either. Plus, that wasn’t the point of the post.
  2. Share this post with these hash-tags: #wonderfullymade #skinisonlyskindeep #takebackthepower.
    In a world that’s attempting to be “inclusive” let’s also be inclusive of people like me. If you and I don’t talk about it, who will?
  3. Proudly post about your physical ‘flaws’ with the hash-tag #takebackthepower
  4. Lastly, but most importantly, if you ever see my wig out of place, please tell me (in my ear).

The reason I chose to write this post today is because I felt that it was about time all of us shifted our eyes from what’s on the outside and focus on what’s on the inside. Because skin is only skin deep. True beauty lies within you. Everything else is superficial and temporary.

As I conclude this post, I want to jump off of Martin Luther King’s speech and say just this:

“I have a dream that one day, my children are judged not by what they look like on the outside, but by the content of who they are on the inside.”

In closing I have to say – I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord!

#fearfullyandwonderfullymade #skinisonlyskindeep #takebackthepower

The King’s Heart

On By Rachel ChadalavadaIn Future, Uncategorized, UncertaintyLeave a comment

In one of my previous blog posts, I told you about the journey that brought me to Samaritan’s Purse’s Operation Christmas Child. If you haven’t read that one yet, stop reading and click here. Have you read that yet? Okay, now that you are completely updated with my life, you may continue reading.

January 26, 2016 will mark the last day of my position as a Media Relations Associate (yes, that is in fact, less than two months away). I have loved everything I’ve done in this role and I adore the people in my department. Each of them stands tall, radiating the love of Jesus and that just reminds me of how blessed I am to be a part of this team. With that being said, I have been praying earnestly about where the Lord would have me after I graduate from this role. I’ve already told you that God’s not calling me to India. Not yet at least. But the fun part is, I don’t know where He is calling me to. So yay! With Jesus, life is always an adventure. I don’t know anyone else who can make uncertainty, something to look forward to – It’s like a surprise party EVERY TIME! (Notice how I transitioned from fearful to fearless?!!!)

All that to say, I have been job-hunting again. We all know how exciting an ordeal that is *rolling eyes*! However, for a “non-resident alien” such as myself and every other international person living in the United States, job hunting is so much more than just finding a job. We have to get very specific in the kind of positions we apply to because of our visa restrictions. Basically, when an employer hires an international, they have to prove to the government that that particular position cannot be filled by an American citizen because it calls for a very specific skillset which only an international has. Now, if you know me, you know that there isn’t anything extraordinary about me. I don’t mean that in a self-deprecating way but in an I-know-my-limits kind of way. With that sense of self-awareness, I prayed that the Lord would show me what I can bring to the table that an American cannot. I soon realized that the only thing I can bring, is my Indian heritage. So, I laid that before the Lord and asked Him how I can use my ethnicity for His glory.

Fast-forward two weeks after I made that prayer. I was looking for jobs and found one that was aimed at South-Asia, the very part of the world that I am from. Super excited I read through the position and found out it was at least four levels up on the corporate ladder than the position I was currently in. No way would I ever qualify for that! Disheartened I closed the webpage and got on with my work. However, for the life of me I couldn’t think past that position. I almost felt it was an answer to the prayer I made offering my heritage and ethnicity to the Lord. Other than the fact that that position was so high up, I was perfect for it. I soaked it in prayer not quite sure what to ask for and what response to expect. I decided I was going to talk about applying to that position, with the person to whom that position reports. After a very healthy conversation, this person suggested I speak to the others in the department who work in similar roles so I can learn a little about what that position entails. So, that’s exactly what I did.

I arranged to meet with each of these people over lunch. I started with Mr. A. As he shared his experiences and challenges with me, I felt this overwhelming sense of unworthiness. I saw how small I was for the job. I thought of a bajillion reasons why I shouldn’t be doing it. The feeling of smallness was overbearing. I was giving God reasons why He should find someone else for that position. At the very end of the conversation, Mr. A asked me why I was having this conversation (I hadn’t mentioned anything about the job to him or to anyone else that I spoke to). I gave him an honest response and then added that while I would absolutely LOVE working in that position, I felt small and inadequate. I told him that the Lord needed to find someone else. He just looked at me and said, “Who are you to decide that?” He then pointed me to one of the greatest kings in history – King David – The youngest of Jesse’s sons. He was also the smallest. In his own strength, David was completely incapable of being a king. So much so, that the prophet Samuel found it hard to believe that God would choose someone as insignificant as David. Mr. A smiled at me and said, “It is not your job to wonder if you will get this position or not. Your job is only to be available should the Lord choose you for it. If God wants you to fill the position, He will work in the heart of the leadership. You only need to be still.”

I went home that day and thought about what Mr. A said. I needed to hear that because whether I acknowledge it or not, I was putting God in a box and dictating what He can and cannot do for me. As His child, someone who truly believes that He can do anything… the very impossible thing even, I should aim high. I should seek after dreams that I can never fulfill on my own. After all, is anything too hard for the Lord?

I learned that day that the king’s heart is in the Lord’s hand (Proverbs 21:1). And for me, that should be the only thing that matters. Whether I get the position or not is not the question here. The question here is – Am I willing to let the Lord work in my life? Am I willing to ask Him for what seems like the impossible and truly believe that He is able to do it? Am I willing to aim high, reach for the stars and seek after that which I cannot accomplish on my own? Or, am I living a life that is limited by my idea of skills and abilities?

Although it is not always easy, I now truly believe that the king’s heart is in the Lord’s hand. Do you?

In closing I have to say – I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord!

What’s in a name? EVERYTHING!

On By Rachel ChadalavadaIn Uncertainty, WorshipLeave a comment

You know that person who is always so happy you want to punch them in the face? On most days, I am that person. I love how happy I am. I truly believe that I can be joyous in most circumstances. Until, I end up doing something stupid! I’m sure this happens to you too. The day is fantastic and then one small thing happens, and your day is ruined! Well, that was my yesterday. My day was going on really well. I was annoyingly happy. I was singing. I had a skip to my heel… and then, I made a mistake. A mistake that pretty much wiped out all the work I had done the entire week. One mistake. That was all it took for me to look at myself in the mirror and say, “You idiot!” I was calling myself names.

According to the dictionary, a “name” is a word or a combination of words by which a person, place, or thing, or any object of thought is designated, called, or known. Your name is what you call yourself. It is your identity!

I was reading through the book of Psalms and I loved how David poured out his heart to the Lord. In doing so, he identified very distinct characteristics of God’s infinite persona. In Psalm 18:2, David refers to the Lord as a “rock,” “fortress,” “deliverer,” “shield,” and “stronghold.” When he was fleeing from Saul/Absalom, David took refuge in God and in His protection. So it is obvious why he called God the names that he did.

This made me think of how we identify ourselves. Sure I have a name. Rachel. It’s beautiful and I love it. But then I thought about all of the other names I call myself – Strong, independent, ugly, selfish, fat, lazy, idiot…!!! Most times, when I call myself those names, I truly believe that’s who I am. In that moment, that is my identity. Yesterday, when I called myself an idiot, in that moment, I truly believed that I was “an utterly foolish or senseless person.”

Take a moment now and think about all the names we associate with ourselves, with our families, our friends and with strangers. We say, “alcoholic,” “addict,” “gay,” “straight,” “divorcee,” “widow,” “monster,” “murderer,” “liar,” “cheat,” … the list can go on. But may I suggest that our identity does not really rest in any of our shortcomings? It rests in the finished work of the cross. In thinking about what we often call ourselves, may I point out to you what Jesus calls us? John 1:12 says that, “to them that receive Him, He has given them the right be CALLED children of God.” In John 15:15 Jesus CALLS us His friends.

In saying this I am not discounting our failings and shortcomings. I am convinced that Jesus loves us too much to leave us the way He found us. What I am saying is – All have sinned and have come short of God’s glory – Each and every one of us. But if Jesus doesn’t identify us by our sin, then why should we?

If you are trying to figure out who you are… who you truly are, may I encourage you to look to Jesus because He calls you His “treasured possession” (Deuteronomy 7:6).

In closing I have to say – I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord!